Fear
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it.” – Nelson Mandela
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it.” —Nelson Mandela
Like anxiety, fear is a natural response. But when it develops into extreme, paralyzing emotions that are unhealthy and debilitating, something deeper is at work. Have you ever been so afraid that it stopped you in your tracks—kept you from doing something you really wanted or needed to do? You're not alone. I have often experienced fear, and it has kept me from pursuing many of my dreams. Today, God reminded me of the time I was lost as a child—and how that fear reinforced my feelings of rejection.
The memory flooded my mind. We were at a campground on the east coast of Canada. My mother’s best friend and her family had joined ours for a holiday together. As children do at campgrounds, my two older sisters and I were exploring. Upon returning, we had to cross a long, narrow swinging footpath bridge to get back to our campsite. My sisters had run ahead of me, leaving me stuck between a couple who were crossing side by side. There was no room to pass, and I didn’t have the courage to ask them to move, so I closely watched to see which direction my sisters turned.
My heart raced as I helplessly trudged behind the couple. Finally, we reached the other side, and I attempted to catch up, but they were long gone and I had no idea where they went. After unsuccessfully following the wrong paths to find them, my anxiety grew wild. I scanned the woods in hopes they would return. My eyes stung with tears. I paced the forest floor, my heart racing, too scared to think clearly.
A passerby saw my distress and asked if I was lost. I nodded through sobs. He asked if I knew what vehicle we drove. Yes, I did. The full-size, old brown van that my dad had turned into a camper was legendary to us kids. The stranger suggested we go to the parking lot to find the vehicle. I didn’t know why, but I agreed. There, in the packed parking lot, sat the comforting sight of our van. I followed the man as we walked to it. He opened the front door and started honking the horn, continuing until my dad noticed from far across the parking lot on the other side of the river, where the campsites were located, and waved.
My fear of getting lost and rejection are connected.
Onward we walked to the end of the large parking lot, where a small river flowed between the campsite and us. The kind man put me on his shoulders and walked through the river so I could be reunited with my family. I expected to find great relief in everyone’s eyes—my brother and sisters, my parents, and my mom’s best friend’s large clan. To my horror, I discovered that they had not even noticed I was missing! My heart sank. A thought lodged in my mind—I’m not wanted. Getting lost fed the piercing sting of rejection.
God revealed to me today that my fear of getting lost and rejection are connected, causing the panic within me to engulf me every time I’m lost, even though it shouldn’t. I wonder if you have a similar memory—one where fear overtook you as a child. Sometimes these experiences shape us more deeply than we realize.
If you've experienced childhood rejection, you may find yourself bracing for rejection in your relationships and daily life. You may not even realize you're doing it. Have you ever caught yourself assuming someone is mad at you, ignoring you, or disapproving—without any proof? This false perception is known as rejection sensitivity. The theory, which is used to explain the overreaction of individuals toward others due to perceived rejection, is accepted in the medical field but is not a diagnosis.
Rejection sensitivity means the individual expects to be met with rejection, not love, and therefore assumes the other person has rejected them. For example, if I walk into a room where two people who were previously conversing stop, I will likely perceive that they were talking about me. This perception cuts deep into one’s heart, immediately making one feel rejected—when, perhaps, they were not talking about me at all. Therefore, I experienced emotional trauma for no reason. The experience perpetuates one’s feelings of rejection.
When people are in a heightened state of emotional response, it is impossible to think clearly. We go into survival mode. This state reminds me of Scaredy Squirrel, the adorable picture book character created by Melanie Watt. Scaredy Squirrel is afraid of everything and perceives it all to be his enemy, so he stays cooped up in his home. Yet even Scaredy Squirrel recognizes that it is not much fun to be stuck in his tree all the time and ventures out into the world beyond his nut tree home. Once outside, his perception changes, and he discovers that the outside world is not as horrible as he imagined.
Maybe you’ve felt like that too—safer in the familiar than risking the unknown. But what if, like Scaredy Squirrel, you discovered that the world outside your fears isn't as terrifying as it seems?
The definition of “perception,” as defined by Collins Dictionary, is “the way that you think about something or the impression you have of it.” Furthermore, it is “the recognition of things using your senses.” When I compared other sources for definitions of perception, they all stated that it is information processed through the senses. What we see, hear, feel, taste, and smell are used to process information.
One definition of “reality” from Collins Dictionary is when something “actually exists or is actually happening.” Has anyone ever said to you, “You’re not living in reality”? It is usually an accusation that often comes on the heels of a heated argument. Yet there is truth to this statement—one that is hard to accept.
We cannot trust our senses to tell us what reality is because the core of us has been so wounded from rejection that we react to this pain and fear. Let me use my fear of being lost as an example. I don’t have a good sense of direction and am convinced that God installed my inner compass backward. I can get lost anywhere. Even when exiting a public bathroom, I want to turn in the opposite direction from which I entered. This feeling scares me because every fiber of my being is telling me to turn one way—which is the wrong way! It leaves me feeling confused and defeated, as if I am betraying myself.
What about you? Have your senses ever convinced you of something that wasn’t actually true? Maybe a look from someone that you took personally—or silence that felt like rejection? Our brains are powerful, but not always trustworthy interpreters. Maybe for you, it's not directions—but relationships, decisions, or emotions. That same sense of inner confusion can leave us feeling betrayed by our own instincts.
It is too easy to live out of our perception and senses, but our senses can misinterpret information. Glass can be molded, shaped, and blown, but in the end, it is still glass. We have to move past this matrix way of thinking from our senses, as it is detrimental to our bodies and mental health. Thankfully, there are ways to overcome this. When faced with perception difficulties, the first thing we can do is pray and ask God to give us His peace and truth. Zephaniah 3:17 says that God will calm all my fears. We also have the Holy Spirit and are encouraged to ask for wisdom (James 1:5–6).
After praying, I follow this process: First, I remind myself that my perception may be colored not only by my past pain but also by the values and culture I grew up with. Next, I take the time to consider that the other person’s perception may be correct, or if not correct, it could offer more information about the topic. Then, I consult a confidant—not to convince the person to take my side, but to truthfully seek whether my reactions were based on my tainted perspective. Finally, though at times with great difficulty, I accept that my perception may have been wrong and apologize if needed.
I encourage you to try this process too. Ask God to help you pause before reacting—to clarify what’s real and what might be a misinterpretation shaped by fear or pain.
Today God also showed me that my struggles to trust Him were based on fear. People who have suffered from early childhood rejection may feel the need to please others to receive their love. I can see how I made decisions to gain acceptance and praise throughout my life. The reward of hearing someone say, “Well done,” was equivalent to love in my mind—but that is false. This is not love.
God’s love for us is not based on works. It is best described in Titus 3:5–7:
“…He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, being justified by his grace, we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
God is not Whac-A-Mole, standing above us with a hammer, ready to smack us on the head when we disappoint Him. Fear not, He tells us over and over again in His word, because He is with us. Do you feel like you’ve had to earn love—maybe even God’s love? You're not alone in that either. But God doesn’t love you because of what you do. He loves you because of who He is.
There is nothing we can do to earn God’s love, nor is there any amount that we can do to satisfy our own expectations. What we do will never be enough. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and where we are in the stages of healing. All we can do is seek Him regularly and be open and accepting of His great love.
Let’s pray: Father, thank you for promising to be with me all the time. With you, I do not need to fear. Please fill me with your peace in all situations. Strengthen me with your love. Protect me from all irrational thinking. Heal my inner wounds so my senses align less with my feelings and more with actual events. You have not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind. I declare a sound mind. Thank you for helping me, for coming to my aid, and for holding me in your righteous right hand.
Application: Ask God to show you what fears are keeping you bound. Then ask Him to help you understand how your perception is based on your senses and can be deceiving because of your past rejection.
Journal prompt: We perceive God doesn’t love us because our reality of early childhood rejection tells us that we are unlovable. Our perception of ourselves has to change. Ask God to show you the truth of who you are—who He says you are. Then write it down as a letter to yourself. What does He want you to know about your identity in Him?
To read more about healing from early childhood rejection in this series, click on the links: Introduction, Distrust, Worthlessness, Loneliness, Depression, Hopelessness and Anxiety
Endnotes:
Melanie Watt, Scaredy Squirrel. Toronto: Kids Can Press, 2006
I appreciate your gentle approach to mastering fear. I think it works 😊
This was such a moving, honest piece. The part about God not being like Whac-A-Mole—that image stayed with me. It's so easy to fall into thinking that we must perform to earn love, even God’s love. But your story reminded me how grace finds us even when we feel lost, unseen, or not enough. The way you wove in that childhood memory the fear of being lost, the sting of not being missed, and the relief of kindness from a stranger was powerful. It’s a feeling so many of us carry quietly. I appreciate how you brought it all back to how deeply wounded our inner compass can be, and how God still meets us there, gently and patiently. Thank you for writing this with such warmth, humor, and truth. I feel less alone reading this.