“I never loved you,” my mother said. Stunned, I sank back into the brown couch, opposite her, speechless. I’ll never forget that day or that revelation. I was an emotionally, mentally and spiritually struggling eighteen year old. Decades passed largely made up of a string of broken relationships, navigation through single motherhood, and life-long depression. Unbeknownst to me, it all stemmed from those early childhood rejection wounds.
Over the years I sought help from many sources: friends, family, counseling, the medical field and God. Even though I made progress, there remained a distance between God and I that was difficult to explain. God’s love for me was an abstract concept, not a tangible reality. It was similar to watching Niagara Falls behind thick glass. I could see the mighty waterfall, but couldn’t feel the misty water spraying my face, hear the deafening roar of the falls or smell the fresh air. I knew the love of God existed, but couldn’t feel the power of it with all my senses.
Rejection can be lethal. It can rob one of joy and a fulfilling life. The effects of rejection are far-reaching, encompassing all of our being; body, soul and spirit. In the same way that no one can tell how much destruction an earthquake can cause, no one can measure the damage neglect, a form of rejection, has on a child and the lingering trauma that shadows one into adulthood. Rejection can be a purposeful withholding of love and affection or, as in my case, the unintentional consequence of a parent incapable of loving.
As a little girl, I stood on the wooden pew in our church while the congregation sang the hymn, “Isaiah 49.” There’s a part in the song that asks if a mother forgets her baby. This had a profound effect on me. In that moment, my spirit connected to God in ways my childhood self couldn’t understand. It wouldn’t be for another decade that I learned of my mother’s inability to love me during my early childhood development.
Numerous studies have been completed on the physical effects of rejection, dating back to the 1940s and 50s. These studies reveal that lack of love from parent to child can even cause death. In his article, They Could Not Live Without The Love, Dr. Montagu, describes a compilation of historical evidence that clearly shows that without affection, nurture and touch, babies die within two years of age. Rejection can be an unseen killer.
Have you ever experienced worthlessness or anxiety? Psychological effects of childhood rejection abound in adults. In his book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van der Kolk describes how we currently have much more understanding about the body’s response to trauma and its lasting effects because of new research in understanding how the brain supports mental processes, as well as the impact of adverse experiences on the development of mind and brain.
Van der Kolk explains that research in these fields shows that, “trauma produces actual physiological changes, including a recalibration of the brain’s alarm system, an increase in stress hormone activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrelevant.” His book dives deeply into the lingering effects of trauma and how to deal with those effects as adults.
“The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” - Proverbs 18:14 (NIV)
Another area greatly disrupted by rejection is our spirit being. The Bible states in Proverbs 18:14 (NIV), “the human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” Derek Prince, author of over one hundred books, and an expert Bible teacher in spiritual warfare, said that rejection is, “the deepest wound a human spirit ever has to endure.” He described in his teaching that the negative effects of rejection can be: loneliness, misery, self-pity, depression, despair, hopelessness, death and suicide.
Love, the opposite of rejection, is a universal need, but what is it? How can we understand this all-consuming power that affects our physical, mental and spiritual states? In this book, discover ways to overcome the symptoms of rejection that may still linger, what the Bible reveals about love and how to walk out our healing on a daily basis. Joy and happiness do not have to remain like sand seeping from our clenched hands.
I invite you to join me on this journey to move from rejection into God’s everlasting, all-consuming love. You may be at the beginning of your journey, nearing the end, or find yourself somewhere in between. It doesn’t matter. God wants to pour His healing balm on our spirits, ease our pain and lavish us with His love.
There is no single approach that will lead to complete healing, but if we commit to seeking God’s love, something will happen! He promises that those who seek Him will find Him. This journey is meant to be like a travel guide. Use it as a resource, but be willing to veer off on your own adventure–wander down the windy road, walk the beach to the end, climb the mountain to the top–just don’t stop, don’t give up, for I believe our God has good things in store for us.
God communicates with all of us in different ways, so before you begin, ask yourself how God speaks to you. He can speak to you through His word–the Bible, through music, through a picture or vision in your mind, or a live vision, through colors, with an audible voice, but often He speaks in a quiet inner voice, and a sense of peace.
Generally, God speaks to me through scripture, pictures and peace. A friend of mine receives a message from God every morning upon waking in the form of a song. I know someone who sees different colors as she prays and asks God for the meaning. Each of us is uniquely made, so the way we hear God will not be exactly the same as someone else. Be open to hearing from God in ways you may have never experienced before, as well. The more time you spend seeking to commune with Him, the easier it will become to identify His voice.
In addition to hearing God in different ways, people also connect with God differently. In his book, Sacred Pathways: Nine Ways to Connect With God, Gary Thomas describes nine diverse ways to relate to God, emphasizing that we should be connecting with God in the beautiful way that He designed us.
Naturalists feel one with God in his natural creation. Sensates use their five senses to experience Him. Traditionalists love God through traditions and symbols. Ascetics prefer to spend time with God in solitude and are drawn to a simpler life. Activists find strength in God as they battle. Caregivers are fulfilled when putting other people first and tending to their needs. Enthusiasts love to explore and engage in the spiritual aspects of the supernatural. Contemplatives adore God in everything they do. Intellectuals align their thinking with God’s thoughts.
For me, I’m primarily a Naturalist. I retreat to nature to connect with God. When I was a teenager it was the apple orchard beside our house. When I lived on the prairies, it was the limitless, serene fields and sky. At my current home, it’s the river running through our town. While volunteering in Hawaii, it’s the crash of the waves. Nature calms me and I find myself adoring the Creator. It’s the backdrop I need to relinquish my thoughts, let them go and embrace being one with God.
Can you see yourself in one of these nine ways? As you embark on this journey, try to identify how you hear God’s voice and the way you connect with Him. Then, choose a time when you will not be interrupted. Each day there is a prayer, an activation, and a journal prompt. God loves us so much. He wants us to break through the thick glass keeping us bound, overcome the symptoms of rejection, encounter His love, and live an abundant life.
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God is Good!