Distrust

“Trust is the glue of life.” —Stephen R. Covey

(Read my Introduction to BEHIND THICK GLASS)

Day 1 Distrust

“Trust is the glue of life.” —Stephen R. Covey

Rain pelted the front window of my car, the wipers racing to keep up. Tears ran down my face in a similar fashion as I clutched the wheel and searched intently for the white strip border on the road. At seventeen years old, sadness and anguish consumed me daily, seemingly for no reason. I was driving home in the evening after spending time with friends. Even though I had friends, I often felt lonely, like I existed in a dark, cold pit. Alone. Empty.

Taking a corner on the highway, I thought of how easy it would be to end all of the constant emotional pain by plowing into the guardrail. Life felt hopeless. My bleak future appeared gloomy. In that desperate moment, I cried out to God. Although the thundering rain pounded on the outside, I realized God’s peace had filled the inside of the car and soothed my heart. The horrendous feeling of ending my life passed as rapidly as the lightning.

Today, decades later, I began my journey of healing from early childhood rejection wounds with God steering me. As you might expect, I chose the beach to begin my quest. I surrounded myself with God’s beautiful flowers, trees, sun, sand and water, immersing in His creation. Arriving at my favorite beach location in the morning, I felt nervous and hesitant. I spread out my beach towel and sat cross-legged, placing my journal and Bible beside me.

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

Pulsating, grinding shrill sounds from the construction site at a nearby building interrupted my idyllic peaceful beach aura. Caribbean rhythms blasted from a radio, vibing with the beach, but beating on my patience. Undeterred, I focused on the melodic waves, settled my heart and began with a prayer:

“Lord, I want to be intimate with you, to break free from the thick glass of rejection that keeps me from experiencing your fullness of love and joy. Show me what I need to know or do. Show me your goodness. Show me your love.” Then, I waited.

It was difficult to focus. My mind raced like one hundred toddlers set loose in a McDonald’s playroom. I thought of Joyce Meyer’s bestselling book, The Battlefield of the Mind and how I’ve applied her advice to my thinking patterns in the past–replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts, seeing doubt as an enemy, understanding that our minds are active and want to be focused on something, and training our thoughts instead of letting them run wild. So, I refocused my thinking on God, attempting to ignore the nearby distractions.

One word came to me: trust. My heart beat faster. Did I trust myself? Others? God? I recalled my psychology class in college and remembered the multiple theories that state children struggle to trust others if trust is broken at a young age. Trust is fragile. Once it has been violated it’s easy to withdraw and hold back from trusting again.

The Khiron Clinics, a mental health clinic in the United Kingdom, explain that children rely on their caregivers to provide emotional safety and stability. Children learn by copying. They copy behavior, reactions, and emotional states. If children do not receive comfort, nurture or love in the way that they need it, they will begin to distrust. Sadly, the distrust developed in childhood carries forward into adulthood.

Could I trust myself? I was plagued with fears: my ability to hear God’s voice, my decision making process, and my fear of making a wrong decision. I relied on myself and my own strength for a long time. Often I felt that I had missed the mark with God. Trusting other adults felt strained. My failed relationships could attest to my inability to wholly trust, or worse, struggling to trust again after enduring hurts.

Did I trust God? I knew I was supposed to. My head knew he was trustworthy, but my heart still felt captive, hiding in a dark, cold cell, away from anyone who could hurt me again. As I pictured myself in this dank room, God gave me the image of lilacs. Slowly, I saw the lilacs grow around me, fully bloom and encase me, transforming my cell into a lilac garden.

Proverbs 3:5 talks about trusting God with all of your heart. I knew that I did not. At least, not with all of my heart. How could I? Time and time again I had been disappointed by Him. My teen years were probably the most tumultuous years I endured. These were the years between growing up in a traditional church and then my mother leaving it in search of finding something more spiritual. My siblings and I found and attended a youth group at a non-denominational church. Jesus seemed real at the youth group and during the week-long Christian camp I participated in once a summer, but this didn’t transfer over to my everyday life.

Everyday life, instead, was surrounded by the secular world and all that entails. Even though I attended a Christian high school, there was no evidence of Jesus apart from Religion class where I was often high on marijuana. I could not make sense between the few times that I had a meaningful experience with God and the everyday assault from the world. I did not feel loved, and I sought to fill that void. Now, as I have grown closer to God, I can see how He was with me even on my darkest days. Everytime I cried out to God He was there, like the time I wanted to end my life.

In addition to trusting God with all of our heart, the rest of Proverbs 3:5 says to lean not on our own understanding, which is equally hard for me. I like to understand everything–every tiny detail! Usually, I attempt to sort through every possible scenario in my mind, replaying it over and over trying to uncover the best strategy to take or find the solution to every problem. But, this causes distress and anxiety, when what I really want is comfort, comfort from my Creator, the One who knows me best. That’s why God tells us not to attempt to understand it all. We can’t. The future is unknown to us, but not to Him—He knows what He’s doing, He knows the plans He has for us. Trust is the requirement.

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Even though I think I’ve put my life in God’s hands, I constantly take back the reins. It’s not that I believe I can do a better job than God, but I want to be able to put on the brakes, or quickly drive down a side street whenever I want to. Just like faith is believing for the unseen, trust is allowing God to lead and guide when we’re wearing a blindfold in a dark room and can’t see where we are stepping. Blindly following His lead is very difficult for me. Do you struggle with this too?

The Merriam-Webster's dictionary describes trust as, “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” Can we rely on God’s character, ability, or strength? Is He truthful? God’s character is made up of many things. He is love, compassionate, gracious, kind, merciful, just, holy, righteous, faithful, patient, unchangeable and good!

While I sat on the beach, I circled back and thought of the transformed prison cell God showed me, every space overflowing with lilacs, the scent, intoxicating and exhilarating, and smiled. Only God could choose my favorite scent and color to encourage me. The newly formed lilac garden felt safe and surreal. Trusting God is a choice. I made a decision now to fully trust God, hopeful that He would gently guide me to quiet waters and restore my spirit and soul.

Photo by Tīna Sāra on Unsplash

How thick is the glass wall that separates you from feeling God’s love? You may still be struggling with deep wounds and not ready to trust God yet. Everyone is at a different stage in their healing journey. I encourage you to ask God to help you trust Him. I believe He is faithful to answer the cries of your heart.

Let’s pray: Lord, help me to leave my valley of despair and distrust. Reveal to me the reasons why I have distrust. I choose today to trust you. I trust in your character, your goodness and your promise to never leave me nor forsake me. Continue to lead and guide me out of this valley. I yield my heart to you. I want to be healed from my inner wounds of rejection so that I can fully experience your love. Give me the wisdom to deal with any future situations of rejection as I go through this journey of healing alongside you. Protect me as I vulnerably walk this healing process with an open wound.

Activation: Write a letter to God, telling Him why you might not trust Him with all your heart. Listen for His response and record it.

Journal Prompt: When you wrote your letter to God, how did you feel? How did God reveal to you that you can trust Him?

(Read my Introduction to BEHIND THICK GLASS)

Quote: Stephen R. Covey, The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything. (Free Press, 2008)

1. Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind. (Hachette/Word of Christ Publishing, 2015)

2. Khiron Clinics, “Trauma and Trust,” September 13, 2019, Khiron Clinic, accessed April 17, 2023. Trauma and Trust - Khiron Clinics.

3. Proverbs 3:5

4. Merriam-Webster, “trust,” accessed April 17, 2023, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust